On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
