Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
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