I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
