Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
