Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
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