I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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