I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
