She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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