im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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