I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
