Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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