I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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