This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Girls should come with a carfax report
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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