So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
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