Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
