just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
It was confusing and full of hummus
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
