I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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