does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
