once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
