My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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