Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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