trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
