Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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