You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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