The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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