Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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