I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
