There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Randomize
