he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I just gargled with NyQuil
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize