My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
