people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
