You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
