...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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