Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
