Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
