I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
