i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
