Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
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