But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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