Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
