Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize