we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
this will be a night to untag.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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