why im i the only drunk person in the library?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
