This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
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