dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You blacked out at 9:30 and insisted on sleeping in the hallway after you chugged an entire pitcher of beer. I guess the Jell-O shots were stronger than we thought...
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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