If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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