Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
