Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
