Soap is not a condiment
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
