Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
