I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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