so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Randomize
