my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
