I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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