I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
He keeps bees of course he's weird
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
