I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
