I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
