I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
